I Can't Get Used To It, No Matter How I Try. . . .

Destiny - or something like it. . Januray 10,2012

If I could only make you see and undertand, I feel a change and scream your name. . . .

For all that I have given and all that you and the farm has taken from me. . . you left me with nothing.

You died on my brothers birthday. . . I have, no matter how painful, done as you have asked for the last 49 years of my life. . . I don't know how to live without your frequent visitation in my head and our every constant communication;

Remember the Jones place, you asked me while we were mowing the yard 'You shouldn't let what you see bother you, it's Gods' way of protecting our family.'

You told me that you and Mamma Cook were the same. . .and I would learn to accept and interpret what I felt and saw. . .

Mamma Cook is gone, your gone and my husband thinks I am crazy. Why could you not have given me an outline , , , ,some kind of guideline as to how to navigate once you left me. . .

Uncle Johhny and I were the ones that fell apart at your funeral, just like he and I were the only ones that fell apart when Todd died. . .I don't know what the rest of them are made of. . . but like you once told me. . .I ve the Backbone of a McFarland and the Balls of a McDaniel.

On December 29th, you were gone one month. Until now, I have had no time to grieve. I guess that's what I am doing now. I didn't have the privicy to go through your things with that bitch KAREN watching me like a halk. I could smell you everywhere, but you were nowhere because they tried to erase your presnce.

I will never stop loving you, missing you or hoping that you will give me guidence in some way, shape or form. . .