Cracks In The Crystal Ball. . .

Diary - Entry 32

When I started out writing this diary, it was for several reasons, to honor my brother, to lay bare the sins of my family (as I see them) and to relate my own feelings about the past and my chronological existence.

While I boldly strip the flesh from that of my family, friends and lovers. . .I cannot help but expose my own indiscretions, madness, mistakes, and things I wish I could have done differently. Tonight, I am shooting single malt whiskey. . . .which I never drink hard stuff, but the writing is taking me to a place that I have not visited in more years than I can count and I hope it dulls the pain.

My worst regret, one that will remain with me till the day I die. . .is the existence of my son, that I gave up for adoption.  His  father was married and this was the result of an afternoon in Illinois.  When I called to tell him, he told me that his wife was pregnant (something that he had wanted for a long time), therefore, I did not tell him I was going to have a baby as well.

It broke me into a million pieces to give him up, but I wanted him to have the things that I could not give him (as I was a traveling photographer at the time),  especially since his father was now ecstatic over the impending birth of his "first" child, which was actually his second.  Our son, was blond headed and brown eyed, with finely arched eyebrows and full lips.  To this day, I still remember every detail of him,including the intense pain of separation that I went through when I met his adoptive parents and he was handed over to them, without ceremony.

The records were permanently sealed by the courts. 

That put the final nail of niceness in my own coffin of buried memories.  I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything, I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken. . . . .that is a line from a Pink song that  says what I feel at the moment. . .

Men, they have the inability to only see what is in front of them at the moment, not what is good for them. . .

Good Night.

I Often Think of Shirley Valentine. . .

Diary - Entry 33

If any of you out there have ever seen the movie "Shirley Valentine" then you know what tonight's topic is about.  If not, you should rent it. . .

It is about a woman, who, half way through her unsatisfying marriage, goes to Greece on a group tourist trip and ends up starting  over.  All alone.

At the age of 47, I have had only 5 intimate relationships  (all long term) during those years.  To some, it is more than one too many, to others it seems minuscule.  I have been accused of many more, but only I and God, know that those five are what I have truly done from a physical intimacy level.

Unlike Shirley, I am fully aware of what my absence would do to my family.  But still one has to wonder what the other side, Which clings to the secret doors, buried deep within out minds, what would happen if we gave in to desires, longings, past imperfections and the every present fantasy that knows no bounds.