The Absolute and Irrevocable

Diary - Entry 23


It has been sometime since I wrote because of my workload and visitors. This is the first entry of the new year and I hope that it will be a better one.

When you are young and your life stretches before you, there are many paths that you can take. My own particular path was neither easy or without the mental and physical anguish I felt at being seperated from
"Toy", but my brother as well. 

I tried 'dating' others, but my head, heart and soul were never present.  I was numb and just didn't care what my mother threw at me.  I felt as if I were slowly going insane. I would call Todd and I would cry on his shoulder.  He would just listen. 

Todd told me something once, that I have never forgotten. . .he said,
"real love, when it ends, is like being caught up in an Auger where your limbs are torn from you body, followed by the continued shredding of a Combine (I think I spelt that wrong) over a wheat field at harvest".
That was exactly the way I felt and the fact that my over sensative brother had put my feelings into a 'visual' nature, helped me realize that there was nothing that could be done, except to burn the field and get ready for next years crop.

In many ways, the movie 'Splendor In The Grass' reminds me of that time.  Bud and Deeny, with everything and everyone conspiring against them.  Denny ends up in a mental hospital and Bud is married to Angie living on a dirt farm.  I soon went to my fathers, where I finished the remaining time in high school.  I needed a break and I had to get away from my mother.  Her continued intrusions, made things difficult at best.

My father sent me a plane ticket and while I got ready for "school" and my mother for work, I had packed throughout the night and was ready to leave.  She did not know that I was gone until nearly 8pm that night,
and livid is a mild word for her conversation, when she called my father.  It was over and done with, I had made my choice and now, I would start taking care of my brother again, with the addition of my father as I ran the house.

All my life, I have always taken care of something or someone.  I did not know how to just take care of myself and there was nobody to guide me.  Nearly two years would pass before I would return to my mothers house and the intensity of seeing him again, sitting on my sofa. . .did not help with my attempt at recovery, for he was and always would be a powerful addiction for me. One that neither time, space or
distance had changed what my heart held most dear.  We were two halves of the same whole and it would never be the same.