The Worst Of People. . .

Diary - Entry 3

My wonderful friend, Catherine, who's constant rocks we have been for many years and without whom I could not have gotten through the last couple of days had this to say:

" We all know that death either brings out the best in people or the worst in people and that grief is a slave master,unlike any other. How we each choose to grieve is different from one person to another, as the day is to night."

Another friend said " I hate the bulshit platitudes and sympathies that are common place when someone dies. "Sorry for you loss",  "Had he be ill long", "He is in a better place. . ." and the list goes on. So, he left me a verse from one of his favorite songs.

Others have sent cards and flowers.  Mostly, out of duty I think, but while it is appreciated now, while the pain and anguish is still so fresh. . .but will he be  remembered in six months? Six years? . . .

In addition to the fact that Todds death has brought out the worst in me (because I remember every ugly thing that was ever said about him , how he was made fun of in school and by our own family members).

I remember how my family could not stand his wife, they thought she was trash.  How my step-mother, on the occassion of my birthday (which was being celebrated at the Peabody Hotel with drinks in the lobby) started saying horrible things about Todd to the point that she reduced me to tears.  Another time she said he "creeped her out and never wanted to be alone with him".  Yet,  these were the two that made all of Todds medical choices and his wife 'fixed it (her words, not mine) " to keeep me from talking to the nurses,  getting information from the doctors and finally from not letting me be with him in his final hours.

The odd thing was, I had never said anything unkind to her, been unkind to her and I supported Todds choice when others didn't.  When she was in a severe car accident two years ago, I sat by her in ICU, when my brother had a seizure because of alcohol withdrawls and was in the same hospital, I went and set with him, brought clean clothes and I even went to my sister-in-laws mothers funeral to represent our family.  I did not understand her sudden animosity towards me, her screaming at me, calling me names and other horrible things in front of hospital auxillary members. 

My only reaction at the time was that I broke down in tears.  I told my stepmother what she had said, and that she said she would talk to Jaye, but whether Jaye told the truth was another matter.  She did not, she denied saying any of those things to me.  That just added fuel to the fire.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get home, crying all the way.

I had not been able to sleep most of the night and lain awake thinking about him as a child, I did not go back the next day, but stayed in bed, crying, and shortly before 4am, I felt a gnawing deep within me and a brief rush of panic. . . I knew he was gone.  They did not call me till a 8:45am with all of the arrangments already made.