UnHappy Thanksgiving. . .

Diary - Entry 6

Because I have been sleep deprived for more than two weeks, catching 2 hours here, 4 hours there, mostly stuggling with the memories that flood my mind when I do close my eyes, I feel addled, like I got through into the middle of a scene that I have no idea whats goint on.  I keep looking around for some kind of reality check, that does not exsist.

I fell asleep yesterday morning around 4am, only to dream of Todd vomitting all that blood and bile, while looking helpless and scared.  Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I could here Todds voice. . .it was like he was when he was young and didn't stutter.  He said "Sis, you have got to pull yourself together, this is not good for you. I will always be with you, just not in the same way anymore. I am not in pain, look at me", he sounded so close, I rolled over in the bed, and there sat my 10 week old pit bull terrier, by my face, with his head cocked to one side, just watching me.  He is never allowed on the bed, and he is always crated at night.

So, now, I am fairly certain, that I have lost what was left of my mind. I stared at Knox and said "Todd?" , then the puppy jumped off the bed and ran downstairs.

I will go to the cemetary on Sunday, which would have been his 46th birthday, lay the wreath I made and light his candles. 

Although from an analytical sense I know that the only thing that is in the ground is a body that once housed a
terribly misunderstodd loving heart and endless soul, it does not make the pain of seperation any less, no matter how temporary that may be.