Christmas In the Land Of "Make-Believe"

Diary - Entry 20


It has been a while since I have journaled, because of work, company and such, but tonight, I have no interruptions and I thought it would be a good time to get caught up.

Over the last several years, my Christnas tree has not consisted of the latest ornaments, tinsel, or crowned with the most expensive topper.  I don't follow the trends and fads at Walmart or Target in decorating and I could give two shits abouts proper ornament placement, from Home and Garden. . .

The only thing I am doing this year differently than any other, is putting  tiny white lites on the tree (which is the celebratory color of a loved one that has died) rather than tiny clear ones,  the original topper from when Rich and I spent our first christmas together, which is "Father Time"and I have, consistently bought small silver frames, which are filled with photographs of all the things that have happened over the years.  This year, the frames are filled mostly with remembrances of Todd.

My husband came home today, to find me sitting in front of the fireplace, cutting up pictures of my brother that would fit in the tiny frames. . .  I was sitting by the fire, crying, remembering Christmases past, when we were young, and care free.  My husband asked no questions. . .but went into the powder room, grabbed some tissue and sat down beside me.

Some days, I try really hard not to think about him being gone, other days, I realize that my visits to the farm will not include a visit with him. . .

Will there be a time when I am able to let go and not miss him?