Angels and Demons or Devils and Spawn. . .Is one really worse than the other?

Diary - Entry 16

My husband is mad at me because I am not going out to the farm for Christmas.  I am only putting up a tree the night before, for our son and  I will be working over time so I do not have to face the first Christmas without Todd.

I had a customer come in to by a ring for his girlfriend who lived in Peru.  When we got to the  register, and I asked him all the information. . .name, address (you know, the usual bullshit that nobody really wants to mailed crap from) .  Anyway, when he said his name was Todd, I was not only taken aback, but I had to excuse myself and have my boss finish ringing up the sale.  In the four years I have been with Kays, I have never had a customer by that name. . .so naturally, I started crying (although technically I am on enough Prozac to dry out the state of Washington) and had to pull myself together to go back on the floor.

While people say "he's in a better place". . .how do they know that?  What makes them an authority on where his soul landed?  When they say "I am so sorry for your loss" . . .how truly sorry are they? Did they really know him or what he was like underneath it all or how much I loved him?

I and religion have never seen eye to eye.  My grandparents baptised me Assembly of God, my mother baptised me Baptist, my first longterm relation made me a Jehovah Witness, and my husband is Protestant although, he is a Jew by birth. 

All of these religions are lead by "men of God'. . .supposedly.  Does a man of God beat his grandchildren, allow sexual abuse by the greatgrandfather, and inflict mental cruelty?  I think not.  Hence, my own course of religious interrogation has lead me to look down the road to that of a Messianic Jew.  To me, they are the closet thing to what and how the Bible is meant to be interpreted.  Currently we attend Advent where our son plays sports and attends summer camps.

But I do not attend service because they shout, sing and raise their hands and say 'hallalujah'.  . .only in a milder form.  They have  a folk singing trio (why I am not sure) and the service is somewhat not really specific, so I would rather sleep in on my day off.  I think everyone needs a spiritual core, I just don't think that mine is as readily identifiable as others.

Obviously, people who have conviction of faith, attend services and accept the jargan that is pumped into them each Sunday.  Yet, how do you know for sure that you are not like a bunch of drones in a bee-hive, being told what to do by the Queen (preacher).

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and Jesus, but the interpretations of every religion leaves something missing, it isn't whole, too many unanswered questions.

Yes, my mood is dark tonight and I am somewhat in a thinking mood.  But I worked 14 hours today and it will only get worse, so I will write, when I can.