When The Circle Fails To Completes Itself. . .

Diary - Entry 15

Someone once said that "you can never go home again', unfortunately, having experienced the statement, I can say that it is true, especially when your entire family is completely and utterly dysfunctional. . .

I thought that in the twenty years I was gone, the changing climate in New Jersey and wanting our son to know his 'family' was a good idea.  I thought he would like visiting the farm, since now, it was a realatively safe place.  Spending more time with his grammy and grandpa so forth and so on. Although it is convient to so many destinations with an easy airport (Memphis International), I feel in my heart of hearts, we should have stayed either up North, where our real family is or someplace that did not have such heartache and misery associated with it.

My step mother and I are not speaking at the moment, for reasons that she fails to comprehend.  She is very good at making one feel stupid, enept and she has a very bad habit of rushing ahead and not letting you get you thought process out before she has jumped to the wrong forgone conclusion.  I think in some weird way, after being married to my father for so long, she thinks it is her due to become the matriarch of the family, when my grandmother is still very much alive.  Apparently, nobody cares.

My grandmother told me while I was growing up, that one day all her jewelry would be mine, but I must take good care of it and hand it down at the proper time. . .mysteriously . . .I think the cuboard is bare.
Both my grandparents offered me $150,000.00 in cash , if we would move back down south.  Yeah, that materialized as well. . .(somehow the farm is in financial difficulty, which I find odd, because my grandparents had always been conservative. . .)

Jewelry, money and promises aside, the bitterness, anger, hurt and resentment I feel toward my father, step-mother and ex-sister-in-law is unparalled to any thing that I have ever known and it sickens me to realize that they could probably care less, because to them I am a constant reminder of my fathers love for my mother, my step-mothers admitted jealousy and the fact that I knew my brother better than his wife did.