Cold

Diary - Entry 12

I lay awake last night (till my sleeping pills took effect) thinking about the coming winter, how cold it was and how cold Todd's body must be by now. . .  I kept seeing him, laying there so still, quiet and probably at peace for the first time since his youth.

I have a sterling silver bracelet that Rich bought me for Christmas from Tiffanys the year Hugh was born, I have added only charms over the years that had special meaning to my life as a wife, mother, friend and so on.  Yesterday, I took out the Rembrant Charm book at work (lest we forget that I am still employed by Kay Jewelers) and I thumbed through the charms looking for something that I thought would represent him to me in the present tense, as that is where he is. . . so I ordered a small coffin, engraved with his monogram on the front, his birth and death dates on the back.  The coffin opens, so when it arrives, I will fill it with dirt from his gravesite.

Everyone at work, thought it was morbid. . . but I said, it is either the coffin or a can of beer - both represented death to me.

With the impending holidays, I just dread the fact that I won't see his face, listen to him complain about his NASCAR winners and loosers all the while desperatly trying to communicate with me without stuttering so bad.

It's funny, when our mother died last summer from cancer at the age of 62, I did not really feel anything for her passing.  We had not been close for many years since we tried to reconcile when Hugh was a baby.
Two days in my house and she got drunk and attacked me, ripping my shirt off, she hit the baby and tried shoving me down the stairs. She would not respect the fact that Hugh was born with many medical issues and therefore, smoking anything in the house was forbidden.  As a guest in my home, she ignored the few requests I made.   I left the house that night of the fight with Hugh and went to our new house, where I pulled out sleeping bags and lit a fire in the fireplace.  Hugh was sleeping beside me...  She was put back on the bus, the next day

Yet the grief and sadness I feel at Todd's death (I had a customer come in yesterday and his name was Todd) I cannot seem to get a handle on.  It is much like the weather outside. . .icy wind, blowing hollow through me and leaving me unable to shake the chill.